Real Good Talk

So, what do you think, son?

Um … I don’t really … get it?

Oh.

I think it might be too grown-up for me.

No, that’s not it. I understood it pretty well when I was your age. I probably didn’t lay it well enough out for you.

No, it’s not your fault. I just — don’t understand.

Well, then, it is my fault, and I’ll just have to explain better, okay?

Okay.

So, maybe you just need a better understanding of the basics.

Probably.

Okay, so. Let me see.  Okay.  Back in the ‘70s —

The 1970s?

That's right.  See, there was this movie called Deliverance. John Boorman. Great flick. Uh — probably, that is a little too grown-up for you right now, but anyway, in this movie, a bunch of these city guys go on a rafting trip in this really remote area, out in the woods, in the country, right? And what happens is — well, someday you’ll see the movie, but the point is, at one point in the movie, they stumble across this old cabin with these hill people in it, and one of them is this — well, obviously just profoundly mentally disabled kid with a banjo, he kind of looks like this …

Ha!

No, no. Don’t laugh. That’s not for laughing at.

Sorry.

My fault, I shouldn’t have — I mean, you have to have respect for people, even when they’re —

I know, Dad. I’m sorry.

Anyway, there’s this scene where the kid, and this other guy, who also has a banjo, they do this kind of banjo duet that starts out real simple, right?  But then it gets just like, crazy wild, very complicated, tremendous technical … banjo … virtuosity, right?

Okay.

And this song, it’s called “Dueling Banjos.”

Oh.

And it became this huge hit at the time, which was pretty unusual, because even back then you didn’t hear a lot of banjo on top forty radio.

Right.

And it became this like, indelible cultural icon, “Dueling Banjos,” right?

Uh-huh.

You got that?

Okay.

So — okay, now. Do you even know who Marlon Brando was?

Nuh-uh.

Okay. Well, Brando was this actor, widely seen by a lot of people as just, you know. The preeminent film and theater actor of his generation. Me, I don’t know. I don’t really see it, but that was the opinion. Anyway, he had this very distinctive voice, and in some of his later films, he really started to — well, like in The Godfather?  He was all “Tell Luca Brazi to come in.”

Haha! Oh. Sorry.

No, no. It’s okay to laugh at that. That’s fine.

But you said —

Yeah, I know. This is different.

Oh. Okay.

So, because he had such a distinctive voice, and such a recognizable way of speaking, practically everyone in the world at that time did a Marlon Brando impersonation, get it?

I … guess so.

So you, see, you put the two things together, and you get —

Dueling Brandos! Oh, I get it!

Right! See, it’s the song, “Dueling Banjos,” used as a backdrop for two guys doing their —

You’re over-explaining it, Dad.

Sorry. So. We good now? You want to watch the rest?

Sure, I guess.

What? Is there something else you don’t understand?

Well. What was that thing about the wolverine?

…

…

…

…

I think maybe they must’ve just been really high when they wrote that.

Oh. Cool.

Yeah.

…

….

I love you, Dad.

I love you too, sweetheart.

Deep Cuts

“Oh, my God.  Are you kidding me?”

“Trust me, will you?”

“Trust you?  You brought me to a strip club!”

“I’m asking for one minute.”

“Is this what I am to you, now?  That poor sad bastard who’s girlfriend dumps him, so his best friend takes him to a strip club?  Am I that much of a cliché?”

“Will you do me a favor?  For two seconds.  Just … close your eyes.”

“Close my eyes.”

“Please.”

“Do you actually understand how a strip club works?”

“As a favor me to me?”

“Fine.   I — oh my God.  Is that … Sour Times?”

“It is.  And that … is Tiffanique.”

“Wow.  I — I’ve never actually seen anybody strip to Portishead before.”

“?!!”

“Portishead.”

“Thank you.  And Tiffanique does not strip.  She’s a dancer.”

“She’s a very good one.  Look, her top came right off, from the dancing.  God, do you remember this?  I had this on 12” vinyl.”

“The white label promo, I remember.”

“I played that thing half to death.”

“Uh-huh.  Until …?”

“Until … Kathy threw it across the room like a Frisbee that time I made us late for her cousin’s wedding.”

“And?”

“And it went out the window and hit a light pole, and then I didn’t have it anymore.  Very good.  You’ve made your point.”

“My friend, I have not even begun to make my point.”

“Look, I know you never liked her, but Kathy … she was special, you know?  I really thought she was the one.”

“She sold your stereo on craigslist!”

“She’d got that little iPod docking thingy, she thought we needed more space.  She didn’t know.”

“She knew exactly.  She got like, three hundred bucks for the whole system.  Those were QUAD ESL-57 speakers!”

“I had to drive all the way to New Hampshire to buy those things.”

“You had the speakers longer than you had her, for God’s sake.”

“I don’t expect you to understand.  You’ve never had a relationship like that.  But it’s different once you’ve been with someone who really gets you.”

“Gets you —?  Tiffanique gets you better than Kathy did, and she’s never even met you.”

“Look, I’m just saying —”

“I know what you’re saying, but I think you need to consider the possibility that somewhere out there, there may be a woman whose musical tastes extend beyond Lady Gaga.”

“That’s not fair.  Kathy was — there was so much more to her than that.  She — okay, you know what?  I’m not even sure how I feel about a half-naked woman straddling a pole to Oh, Comely.   Although now that I’ve had a moment to think it over, I have to say I feel pretty good about it.”

“Uh-huh.  And how did Kathy feel about Jeff Mangum?”

“She said his voice sounded like a cat trapped in a dishwasher.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, it does actually sound a little like that.”

“Ted, please!  Can you just admit it?  The woman never understood you.”

“That’s not true!”

“Oh, no?  What did you she get you for your birthday last year?”

“Boz Scaggs’ Greatest Hits.”

“I rest my case.”

“Dude, what is your problem with Boz Scaggs?”

“I just don’t see it.”

“John Darnielle said he considers Boz Scaggs to be — ooh!  boobies — one of the best rock poets of all time.”

“I respect the man, I respect the opinion.  I just don’t happen to agree.”

“Jesus, this is brilliant.”

“She’s very talented.”

“I meant the song.”

“That’s good too.”

“You know, if you listen really close, at the end of this cut, you can actually hear the engineer going, 'Holy shit!'  It’s like he can’t even believe how good it is.”

“I told you that!”

“That’s right.  You did.”

“Because I’m your friend.”

“You are my friend.”

“And I look out for you.”

“You do look out for me.”

“And as your friend, who has always looked out for you, I am begging you to see the upside to this breakup.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“I am right.”

“I mean, it’s not the end of the world, right?  So, okay, the last two years of my life have just pretty much fallen to shit, but if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be.  And if I could love Kathy, I’m capable of loving someone else.”

“Somebody who likes you for who you are.”

“I could fall in love again.  I could fall in love with —”

“Veranda.”

“Veranda.  Veranda?  Really?  You know what?  She’s a smokin’ hot redhead, taking her clothes off to Neutral Milk Hotel.  Her name could be Funyuns.  I’d find a way to make it work.”

“This is all I’m saying.”

“Hang on a minute, I got a text.  It’s from Kathy.  She’s sorry.  She wants to talk.”

“No.”

“Craig.”

“No, come on.  You are so close, man.”

“I’m gonna call her.”

“That’s what the old Ted would do.  Fight that impulse!  The new Ted has options!  He’s had a glimpse of a better life.  A beautiful life of music, and art, and nudity.”

“So, what?  I should start dating strippers now?  You think I should I should marry Veranda?”

“That’s ridiculous.  You have no shot with Veranda.  And no one’s talking about getting married.  I’m talking about a world full of beautiful, hot women who share your values.”

“My values?  Are you kidding me?  You know what this is?  This is Pauly and the girl from the video store.”

“Oh, this is so not that!”

“How is it different?”

“It’s completely different!”

“How is this any different from Pauly and the girl at the video store, or Dave and the comic shop girl, or — any guy anywhere and any tattooed female barista at any Starbucks, ever?”

“You’re ruining this for me.  You know that?  You’re ruining this whole place for me.”

“Well, I’m sorry if I’ve shattered your illusions, but unfortunately that’s all they are.  And that’s not good enough for me any more.  Keep your … inaccessible … fantasy stripper music nerd girls.  I’m a grown man, and I have a chance at something real.  Real happiness, in a real relationship, with a real woman.  Who may not be perfect, but you know what?  Neither am I.”

♪ With your feet in the air and your head on the ground/You try this trick and spin it, yeah ♪

“Then again, the heart wants what it wants.  Hey, hold my seat.  I’m gonna go get some singles.  And ... maybe some fives.”