“Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?”
“Trust me, will you?”
“Trust you? You brought me to a strip club!”
“I’m asking for one minute.”
“Is this what I am to you, now? That poor sad bastard who’s girlfriend dumps him, so his best friend takes him to a strip club? Am I that much of a cliché?”
“Will you do me a favor? For two seconds. Just … close your eyes.”
“Close my eyes.”
“Please.”
“Do you actually understand how a strip club works?”
“As a favor me to me?”
“Fine. I — oh my God. Is that … Sour Times?”
“It is. And that … is Tiffanique.”
“Wow. I — I’ve never actually seen anybody strip to Portishead before.”
“?!!”
“Portishead.”
“Thank you. And Tiffanique does not strip. She’s a dancer.”
“She’s a very good one. Look, her top came right off, from the dancing. God, do you remember this? I had this on 12” vinyl.”
“The white label promo, I remember.”
“I played that thing half to death.”
“Uh-huh. Until …?”
“Until … Kathy threw it across the room like a Frisbee that time I made us late for her cousin’s wedding.”
“And?”
“And it went out the window and hit a light pole, and then I didn’t have it anymore. Very good. You’ve made your point.”
“My friend, I have not even begun to make my point.”
“Look, I know you never liked her, but Kathy … she was special, you know? I really thought she was the one.”
“She sold your stereo on craigslist!”
“She’d got that little iPod docking thingy, she thought we needed more space. She didn’t know.”
“She knew exactly. She got like, three hundred bucks for the whole system. Those were QUAD ESL-57 speakers!”
“I had to drive all the way to New Hampshire to buy those things.”
“You had the speakers longer than you had her, for God’s sake.”
“I don’t expect you to understand. You’ve never had a relationship like that. But it’s different once you’ve been with someone who really gets you.”
“Gets you —? Tiffanique gets you better than Kathy did, and she’s never even met you.”
“Look, I’m just saying —”
“I know what you’re saying, but I think you need to consider the possibility that somewhere out there, there may be a woman whose musical tastes extend beyond Lady Gaga.”
“That’s not fair. Kathy was — there was so much more to her than that. She — okay, you know what? I’m not even sure how I feel about a half-naked woman straddling a pole to Oh, Comely. Although now that I’ve had a moment to think it over, I have to say I feel pretty good about it.”
“Uh-huh. And how did Kathy feel about Jeff Mangum?”
“She said his voice sounded like a cat trapped in a dishwasher.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well, it does actually sound a little like that.”
“Ted, please! Can you just admit it? The woman never understood you.”
“That’s not true!”
“Oh, no? What did you she get you for your birthday last year?”
“Boz Scaggs’ Greatest Hits.”
“I rest my case.”
“Dude, what is your problem with Boz Scaggs?”
“I just don’t see it.”
“John Darnielle said he considers Boz Scaggs to be — ooh! boobies — one of the best rock poets of all time.”
“I respect the man, I respect the opinion. I just don’t happen to agree.”
“Jesus, this is brilliant.”
“She’s very talented.”
“I meant the song.”
“That’s good too.”
“You know, if you listen really close, at the end of this cut, you can actually hear the engineer going, 'Holy shit!' It’s like he can’t even believe how good it is.”
“I told you that!”
“That’s right. You did.”
“Because I’m your friend.”
“You are my friend.”
“And I look out for you.”
“You do look out for me.”
“And as your friend, who has always looked out for you, I am begging you to see the upside to this breakup.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“I am right.”
“I mean, it’s not the end of the world, right? So, okay, the last two years of my life have just pretty much fallen to shit, but if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be. And if I could love Kathy, I’m capable of loving someone else.”
“Somebody who likes you for who you are.”
“I could fall in love again. I could fall in love with —”
“Veranda.”
“Veranda. Veranda? Really? You know what? She’s a smokin’ hot redhead, taking her clothes off to Neutral Milk Hotel. Her name could be Funyuns. I’d find a way to make it work.”
“This is all I’m saying.”
“Hang on a minute, I got a text. It’s from Kathy. She’s sorry. She wants to talk.”
“No.”
“Craig.”
“No, come on. You are so close, man.”
“I’m gonna call her.”
“That’s what the old Ted would do. Fight that impulse! The new Ted has options! He’s had a glimpse of a better life. A beautiful life of music, and art, and nudity.”
“So, what? I should start dating strippers now? You think I should I should marry Veranda?”
“That’s ridiculous. You have no shot with Veranda. And no one’s talking about getting married. I’m talking about a world full of beautiful, hot women who share your values.”
“My values? Are you kidding me? You know what this is? This is Pauly and the girl from the video store.”
“Oh, this is so not that!”
“How is it different?”
“It’s completely different!”
“How is this any different from Pauly and the girl at the video store, or Dave and the comic shop girl, or — any guy anywhere and any tattooed female barista at any Starbucks, ever?”
“You’re ruining this for me. You know that? You’re ruining this whole place for me.”
“Well, I’m sorry if I’ve shattered your illusions, but unfortunately that’s all they are. And that’s not good enough for me any more. Keep your … inaccessible … fantasy stripper music nerd girls. I’m a grown man, and I have a chance at something real. Real happiness, in a real relationship, with a real woman. Who may not be perfect, but you know what? Neither am I.”
♪ With your feet in the air and your head on the ground/You try this trick and spin it, yeah ♪
“Then again, the heart wants what it wants. Hey, hold my seat. I’m gonna go get some singles. And ... maybe some fives.”
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